Split-screen Viewing Displeasure

10/2/08--

Once again, politics rears its ugly head where least wanted: this time invading on the sacred Thursday Night timeslot, right up against a clash of Big East Titans....
(too dramatic? Sorry, too much campaign ad osmosis.)

I decided to watch these two matchups side-by-side and found several chilling similarities. First, both Pitt and South Florida started out vastly overrated, so I couldn't quite figure out who I wanted to lose the most at first. I finally settled on Palin -- er, South Florida.

Jim Leavitt is the perennial outsider: unorthodox, fiery, and just a touch bat-shit crazy. One can easily imagine him and First Dude Palin getting pumped up out by a campfire, then running out into the dark snowy forest clad in nothing but USA boxer shorts in order to head-butt some grizzlies.

And then there are the elder statesmen....



Joe Biden is the gruff, mean-looking old guy that could easily have been your 6th-grade P.E. coach or your High School Vice Principal. He can lay down a glower and a smirk that would make Dave Wannstedt glower and smirk even harder. They are both the perennial always-rans who usually end up pissing somebody off while simultaneously looking pissed-off all the time. Hey Dave- didn't you beat West Virginia last year? Why the pocked face?

The game and the debate started off typically. The candidates thanked all the circus workers involved and settled into their rhetoric feeling-out of the opposition. South Florida scored first and got the crowd into it, while Pitt sputtered and hurt themselves. Jim Leavitt threw out a gosh-darnit and The Hypnostache smiled his Joker smile.

But soon both settled down. They began to slug it out in ugly fashion: penalties, contradictory claims, dropped passes, and strained platitudes. Halfway through it looked like anyone's victory for the taking.

Then Pitt/Biden started to pull away. They kept feeding their strengths: Shady McCoy got 28 touches, the phrase "those are the facts" got 19 mentions. Experience and better tools paid off, and in the end the Palin/Leavitt ticket was left shaking their finely coiffed/visored hair in--not disbelief...whats the word...ah yes--bemused chagrin and mocking resentment.

Winning ugly is still winning. Maybe Biden needs a 'stache.

Delaware Joes

This is notoriously late, due mostly to the beginning of the College Football Season. If only Obama had decided earlier than August 23 to name his running mate, I might have had more time to construct this insightful comparison, hopefully just the first of many (the second is already in the works.) As it stands, we have a couple of guys named Joe representing the state of Delaware. If that's not unique to College Football and Politics, I don't know what is.

Footpolitics Stretch Play #1:

Joe Flacco v. Joe Biden

College: Delaware State Blue Hens (honk).

Degree of Eyebrow Swarthiness: Mighty.

Secret Ability: Rumble to enhance offense.

Notable Achievements: Defeating Navy.

Crowning Accomplishment: 1st round draft pick.

Vulnerable to: Speedy DEs.



College: University of Delaware in Newark (who?)


Degree of Eybrow Swarthiness: Understatedly Epic.


Secret Ability: Rambling to offend audiences.


Notable Achievements: Senator at youngest possible age, avoiding Navy.


Crowning Accomplishment: 3rd-round draft pick for VP on 2nd consecutive attempt.


Vulnerable to: tricky hair combs and camera angles.

The Number 2.

You got the silver you got the gold
You got the diamonds from the mine
Well that's all right, it'll buy some time.


Today is a landmark day for FootPolitics. Not only have I just successfully (in my mind) combined the gravelly insight of Keith Richards, the absurdity of the Olympics, the crazed scramble to name NCAA's second-best football squad, and the exponentially more absurd frenzy surrounding the naming of the two VP candidates in one simple three-lined tribute, but I also began watching replays of 2007's best games on my various newly-acquired FOX affiliate stations. Nine more days, with the Beijing Games and a Convention thrown in for side dishes. I think I can make it to our just desserts.

Without further complications, here is a loosely-compiled list of potential Veepstakes winners paired with the football team of my completely subjective (and loosely geographical) choice that has an equal chance of finishing #2 (in no particular order):


Joe Biden/Oklahoma

Serious credentials, but a sure bet for controversy. Just as Stoops can't seem to keep over-eager alumni from greasing the wheels of Big Red Motors, Joe just can't seem to keep his trap shut. Makes sense on paper, but won't happen considering recent history.

Tom Ridge/Penn State

Both have time-honored records and have served valiantly both in the distant and recent pasts. Both also have some kind of quirk or irascibility, be it penchant for recruiting questionable characters or controversial issue stances, that will probably hinder more than hurt them this year.

Evan Bayh/Ohio State

Solid, consistent performers who are seemingly completely uncomfortable being in the spotlight.

Sarah Palin/BYU

This is more of a stretch. This Alaska Governor just might possess enough quirky appeal to appear in the big dance. The odds of BYU being not only the next BCS-crasher, but MNC contender, are slightly worse.

Tim Kaine/WVU

Flashy, exciting, doubtful. But you feel that they'll get there someday.

Tim Pawlenty/Michigan

New concepts are both interesting: Minnesota conservatives and new Wolverine coaches. Unfortunately, both are still boring to watch. The odds of Rodriguez winning the Big 10 are infinitely better than the odds of McCain winning Minnesota. That's not saying much. And really, why else would he pick this guy?

Jim Webb/Virginia Tech

Reliable and tough on defense. Unfortunately, both lack any kind of punch offensively which is key in VP politics and any conference outside of the ACC.

Bobby Jindal/LSU

Young, unproven, not mainstream, appealing to malcontents. But repeating successes is always more difficult.