Top 10 Reasons to Vote for My Candidate

Yes, its that time of year again. We all must make that most crucial of decisions that will ultimately reveal who will be the face of America next year, and possibly for many years to come. I'm talking of course of the always-present debate over who should adorn the cover of EA Sports' NCAA Football. Now that they are releasing a Wii version this summer, they are letting us peons vote for our favorite mascot to adorn that platform's cover. Democracy inaction.

So, without further ado, allow me to reveal my ballot along with a persuasive list of reasons that will hopefully convince you to share my views.


That's right. I brazenly eschewed conventional wisdom and went with the dark horse...er, cat. Why? you may ask. You may indeed.

1. Serious lack of Big XII representation these last 10 years.
2. Razor-sharp bicuspids will deter crooked lobbyists.
3. Kansas native believes in Traditional Heartland Values such as heavy JuCo recruiting and wearing of number zero to promote "team."
4. Huge cat head with human arms and legs suggests a wisely frugal worldview.
5. Never, EVER forgets his Power Towel(TM).
6. Badass guitar player.
7. Campaign Manager Ron Prince crazy as a goddamn loon; also proficient special teams coach.
8. Unashamed to wear the color purple in front of up to 45,000 people.
   
9. Unlike previous Willies, is not at all "slick."
10. Rumored to possess keen senses of sight, smell, and hearing.

Oh, and I also voted in my state's presidential primary, which is actually relevant this year. And since the electronic voting machine lacked a keyboard, I could not type "Willie the Wildcat" into it or otherwise cast a write-in vote for him. Thus, I chose the candidate who I felt most resembled his most important qualities.

P.S.-- if any of you good folks at Diebold are reading this, please look into the keyboard thing. Or better yet, just make a special keypad displaying all FBS team logos for those who wish to write-in mascots. Thanks in advance!

Remembering Hunter

Three years ago tonight, Hunter S. Thompson ended his own life with one of his beloved pistols.

He had broken some part of his leg some weeks before, and the prospect of him walking again was bleak. It was ultimately too much for him to handle. And as deplorable as suicide is, there is something to be said about a man who began his note with the phrase "football season is over."



But it was not just football. Here was a cynic who had been calling out everyone from LBJ to GWB, and his admitted career high point was a cab ride with Nixon in which they had discussed NFL odds. His work appeared in everything from Rolling Stone Magazine to ESPN's Page Two. In many ways he was the original super-blogger: an opinionated writer with ultimate access to America's top publications through his relentless criticisms of America's shortcomings.

His ideology was a weird amalgamation of Libertarian rights and far-left Liberal foreign policy. The man kept a fully-gunned household and nearly won a Sheriff's election on something he called the "Freak Ticket". He inspired countless imitators, but the void left by his self-destruction has still not been filled.

For there has been no one to take his place. It is as if now that he is gone, the media is relieved that there is not that rogue entity to stand up and say all the things that no one wants to form into words. In this way also, HST was the original blogger. He had the honest and harsh point of view with the luxury of multiple media outlets willing to print them just because of the name recognition associated with them. Now we have nothing. No one from the mainstream media has jumped in to fill that void. And this, in large part, is why there are so many blogs today. He inspired many of us to make our opinions heard in their most raw and cynical fashions, but without that heavyweight professional in our corner, they remain largely unheard.

We miss you, Doctor, but we wish you were here for this time in American History.

For more possible connections, check out HST's book on the 1992 Clinton campaign:

Letdown Tuesday

7:42 P.M.

If you thought last Tuesday was boring, tonight will be even worse. Instead of the Eastern Seaboard primaries of Our Nation's Capitol, Maryland, and Virginia, we have Wisconsin, Hawaii (Democrats only) and Washington State (again...somehow).

McCain is hoping to force Huckabee into a mathematical improbability that not even Tim Tebow could overcome with a headful of snow, and even if Obama sweeps tonight (to give him 11 straight wins) he will somehow still be locked in a virtual tie with Hillary. And yet every four years, these Tuesdays grab our attention.

Hillary Clinton, c. 1967ish

Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still Im gonna miss you...

--Brian Jones and/or Mick Jagger and/or Keith Richards, 1966

8:43 P.M.

Consider the WAC-PAC 10-Big 10 connection:

Wisconsin played Hawaii in 2005 and won 41-24 (63% of points scored).

Boise State beat Hawaii 41-34 in 2006.

Boise State lost to Washington 24-10 in 2007.

Hawaii beat Washington 35-28 in 2007.

In the 1960 Rose Bowl, Washington beat Wisconsin 44-8.

What the hell does all this mean? Nothing. Just like tonight's primaries.


10:19 P.M.

It appears as if McCain is going to sweep Wisconsin and Washington. Please don't give up, Mike!

--Mike Huckabee, "Team America" movie auditions, c. 2003

Train roll on many miles from my home,

See, I'm riding my blues away.

Tuesday, you see, she had to be free

But somehow I've got to carry on.

--Ronald Wayne Van Zandt, 1973

If there were any justice in this world, Mike Huckabee would play Hillary Clinton at Scrabble for the McCain/Obama runner-up slot, the NCAA would impose time-limit rules on TV networks instead of changing their own regulations to take away from the game, and blogger.com would make their posting interface more Firefox browser-friendly so as to avoid such ludicrous amounts of italics as we have seen here tonight.

--Templeton

Somewhat Strangely Calm Tuesday

7:47 PM CST

In a most humbling turn of events, it seems that now even CNN is willing to admit that Obama will surpass Clinton according to "their count" of the delegates. Obama has drubbed Hillary in Virginia to the tune of 63%-36%, Maryland has extended their polling hours by 90 minutes due to high turnout, McCain scrapes by Huckabee once again in Virginia, and Clinton has chosen this moment to address supporters in El Paso, Texas. Let me repeat that: Hillary is in El Paso, Texas as she is being overtaken in the delegate count. I guess since that strategy worked so well for Guliani, she would be foolish not to adopt it two days after firing her campaign manager.

Yet the nation's attention span wanes. Do you know what the second-hottest "news" topic is on CNN.com? The Hollywood Writers' Strike. The live feed link at the top of the page is Hillary Clinton addressing supporters in El Paso. The lead story does have a split photo of McCain and Obama, but Huckabee is nowhere to be found, despite only trailing McCain by 5% in Virginia. There is no McCain or Obama video linked at the top of the page.

Which begs the question: Is Hillary Notre Dame? That sacred entity never to be doubted, even when the scoreboard reveals significant weaknesses? There is that aura about her, what with the extremely prolonged off-season in which she was the constant #1 despite most people scratching their heads. And now that she's getting beaten on the field and on paper, the media is still showering her with attention. Meanwhile Obama is the 2004 Auburn Tigers, toiling away and winning week after week to no avail. McCain is your prototypical 21st-century Oklahoma team: stumbles occasionally, but is gruff and will never apologize. And Huckabee might just be that one-in-a-million Boise State team that can beat him with a trick play as time is running out.

Dear Media...guide us in our moment of need!

9:38 PM CST

Just as in the ACC Coastal this year, Virginia seems to be the pace-setter for the Patomac Democratic Primaries. Not only has Obama trounced Clinton in the Commonwealth, but it seems like the Good Citizens have had their minds made up for quite some time:



If only Al Groh could recruit with such predictability. Maybe if he could afford to conduct largely meaningless exit polls at each high school football game throughout the state each year he could figure out how often he should attend church.

10:05 PM CST

Maryland Needs a Poll Bouncer

Enough of the funny shtuff. The State of Maryland was gracious enough to keep their polling places open an extra hour and a half today to accommodate voters, and I for one applaud this decision. McCain thumped Huckabee even more handily, to say nothing of Obama's drumming of Clinton. But may I make a suggestion?

POLL BOUNCERS.

You need some heavies to help the SOS determine who should and shouldn't be let in, who has voted already, and who looks just plain undesirable. In steps our man Ralph:


Not only is he imposing and unapologetic, but he has legions of toned minions at his command:

See Video

C'mon... he just looks intimidating. And he can convince the Terps that they must protect this polling place.

Changing Horses in Midstream Smacks of Desperation & Defeat

Just a few more contests remain until you will finally know the outcome of what you have been striving for all year, or in some cases all your life. Sure, things could be better. Maybe you know you're not going to win it all, but are still trying for those around you and those who believe in you. So the last thing you want to do is make a change before you've had a chance to ultimately prove yourself. But these things happen.

In 2007, SMU went beyond the accepted norm and fired Phil Bennett midway through the football season. Sure, he wasn't lighting up Conference USA by any stretch of the imagination, but he seemed to have put together one or two decent years and the facilities were improving. Considering the state of SMU when he got there, it was not altogether disastrous. But people want results and they want them now.

Which is why this move is even worse: today, after the first faint whiff of possible defeat following Obama's surge, Hillary Clinton fired her campaign manager Patty Solis Doyle.

(Read: "will stay on board as a senior adviser" is the same as "will coach this year's remaining games.")


Who can look the most glum behind a microphone? Stay tuned to find out!


In football, however, change is inevitable. And each year presents a fresh slate as empty as Mrs. Clinton's highly-veneered soundbytes. In politics, a politician may wait their entire life for one shot and one shot only when all the stars align. It makes more sense to make changes like this in a major political campaign.

But not now. You've lost a 100-delegate lead in only 2 days, and Chesapeake Tuesday does not look too promising. This reeks of panic and weakness, and if there's one medium where weakness is pounced upon even more readily than sport, it is surely politics.

Sure, SMU and the Clinton family have seen their similar ups and downs (is this Clinton's Death Penalty?), but something tells me June Jones will have a bit more success than Maggie Williams.

And by the way, there's no crying in football.

Also, I hear Mike Huckabee is filing suit against the state of Washington over the primary results. He may wish to consult with this gentleman for some legal advice:

Blooper Snoozeday

A Live Interpretation of the Primary Returns

7:08 PM
CNN's election coverage homepage has a huge red box with big letters listing early projected winners: Romney wins Massachusetts, McCain wins Connecticut and Illinois, Obama wins Illinois, Clinton wins...Oklahoma. All with 0% of precincts reporting. Georgia now has 5% reporting, but CNN projected Obama an hour ago. If they know the numbers, why do they not share them with us unwashed masses? And if they don't know the numbers, how in the hell do they make projections? They have a link offering explanations in very small font on the left of the page, but the complexities seem too daunting. Much like the AP poll. One state did us a favor and had themselves a caucus early in the day, crowning Mike Huckabee the winner of West Virginia's 18 delegates. Once again proving that bass players get all the love.

7:35 PM
I thought for a fleeting moment that Guliani was winning New York with 0% of the vote until I realized that the candidates are listed in alphabetical order. Its a very deceptive set of names. Or the initial shock of still seeing him on any ballot dulled my wits. I guess the Pat Robertson and Rick Perry endorsements were not the hammer blows to his opponents that he'd hoped they'd be. Meanwhile Huckabee is giving McCain a run for his money in the South (and Missouri), with leads in Arkansas and Georgia, and close second or third showings in four other states. He probably won't win, but he will at the very least cause Romney to lose. Poor Ron Paul just can't seem to resonate with the voters. People are afraid of doctors. Meanwhile Clinton is doing surprisingly well in all the Red States (except Georgia), which leads me to believe Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh told their listeners to go out in droves and vote in the Democratic primary for Hillary (one can imagine the disdain dripping form their well-oiled jowls as they say this) in the hopes of providing the eventual GOP nominee the object of their collective hatred to rally against down the home stretch. Not a bad strategy, when you think about it. But would they be able to go through with the actual act of voting without years of therapy afterward? Probably, since it would require self-evaluation and contemplative thought.

7:59 PM
Clinton wins Arkansas? This reminds me of how Spurrier always ranks Duke #25 in the Preseason Coaches' Poll.

8:39 PM
Delaware seems to be a hollow victory (just like in football if you are an FBS team). Hey guys--a winner was declared. Shouldn't you give him his delegates now? Huck still showing pretty strongly on the mainland and McCain is safe. Romney looks doomed. The Dems are pretty evenly split, with Obama getting the edge on the caucuses (which I think is beneficial to him somehow). Now we just have to wait and see what those crazy Californians have in mind.

9:17 PM
Looks like the trend is McCain winning in blue states, and, to a lesser degree, Clinton winning in red states. Obama and Huckabee are winning in the Deep South and Midwest, and Romney looks to have captured Utah quite handily, even with only 2% reporting. Delaware has still not relinquished those delegates to Obama. Are they not counting the victory there because one of his campaign operatives was on the payroll of a Dover car dealership without actually performing work? Or perhaps Joe Biden has finally snapped and is holding those 15 or 23 horrified delegates hostage in the Statehouse with a cask of nitro-glycerine, a dagger in his teeth, and a Jack Nicholson gleam in his eye.

10:01 PM
Is Mike DuBose running the Alabama Democratic Primary? Can someone please explain how with only 10% of the votes remaining to be counted and Obama with a 67,000 vote lead, it is still too close to be called? There have only been about 480,000 votes cast thus far, so even if Hillary swept the remaining 50,000 she would fall short. Yet they can predict Romney in Utah with only 4% reporting and a meager 8300 vote lead. Wait...how many people are there in Utah?

10:10 PM
Pep-talk timeout: Mike Huckabee is this season's Kansas Jayhawks. Great job, kid. You had moxie and you kept going about your business and winning when nobody was talking about you. Sure, your victories were cupcakes, but they served their purpose, didn't they? The others kept toppling, but in the end you're going to have to deal with the entrenched powers. And if not for the Chase Daniels and John McCains of the world you may have captured America's heart for one fleeting moment. Also there is that other hurdle of having to convince about half of America that you're not a bat-shit crazy stomach-stapling Evangelical preacher. But at least you didn't cheat. Hell, you couldn't afford to. Ever thought of taking up coaching? There's no pressure whatsoever to maintain a svelte public figure. Either way, its OK. Footpolitics still likes you because you're a little bit different. Now imagine me telling you all this with a spittle-laced lisp and a chalkboard with fake political strategy drawn upon it and be on your merry way.

















10:22 PM
Minnesota is trending Obama and Romney...interesting. I generally put a great deal of stock in what Minnesota thinks ever since they elected Jesse Ventura governor. Their college football prowess is not exactly overwhelming, so surely their political knowledge balances things out. This seems to be a sound theory except for one glaring example:




11:45 PM
The late surge in Missouri to put Obama over the top there still does not persuade Biden to relinquish his delegates, nor does Alabama relinquish theirs with 99% reporting and a 77,000 vote disparity. God Bless America. In the meantime, it appears that the folks in California are in love with Hillary, and so far she has 54% of the vote with 19% of precincts reporting. Does that mean anything? It is probably as meaningful as Auburn's rankings in late October and early November. 

12:02 AM
That Alabama thing still bothers me:




He won the vote by a solid 14%....shouldn't he get a greater proportion of the delegates?

6:50 AM
I hope the Huckabee folks don't think that the tornado was their fault. What a weird night...kind of like Mississippi State beating Auburn on the road without anyone really taking notice. Keep an eye out for any recruiting fiascos today in Georgia and Alabama.