Blooper Snoozeday

A Live Interpretation of the Primary Returns

7:08 PM
CNN's election coverage homepage has a huge red box with big letters listing early projected winners: Romney wins Massachusetts, McCain wins Connecticut and Illinois, Obama wins Illinois, Clinton wins...Oklahoma. All with 0% of precincts reporting. Georgia now has 5% reporting, but CNN projected Obama an hour ago. If they know the numbers, why do they not share them with us unwashed masses? And if they don't know the numbers, how in the hell do they make projections? They have a link offering explanations in very small font on the left of the page, but the complexities seem too daunting. Much like the AP poll. One state did us a favor and had themselves a caucus early in the day, crowning Mike Huckabee the winner of West Virginia's 18 delegates. Once again proving that bass players get all the love.

7:35 PM
I thought for a fleeting moment that Guliani was winning New York with 0% of the vote until I realized that the candidates are listed in alphabetical order. Its a very deceptive set of names. Or the initial shock of still seeing him on any ballot dulled my wits. I guess the Pat Robertson and Rick Perry endorsements were not the hammer blows to his opponents that he'd hoped they'd be. Meanwhile Huckabee is giving McCain a run for his money in the South (and Missouri), with leads in Arkansas and Georgia, and close second or third showings in four other states. He probably won't win, but he will at the very least cause Romney to lose. Poor Ron Paul just can't seem to resonate with the voters. People are afraid of doctors. Meanwhile Clinton is doing surprisingly well in all the Red States (except Georgia), which leads me to believe Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh told their listeners to go out in droves and vote in the Democratic primary for Hillary (one can imagine the disdain dripping form their well-oiled jowls as they say this) in the hopes of providing the eventual GOP nominee the object of their collective hatred to rally against down the home stretch. Not a bad strategy, when you think about it. But would they be able to go through with the actual act of voting without years of therapy afterward? Probably, since it would require self-evaluation and contemplative thought.

7:59 PM
Clinton wins Arkansas? This reminds me of how Spurrier always ranks Duke #25 in the Preseason Coaches' Poll.

8:39 PM
Delaware seems to be a hollow victory (just like in football if you are an FBS team). Hey guys--a winner was declared. Shouldn't you give him his delegates now? Huck still showing pretty strongly on the mainland and McCain is safe. Romney looks doomed. The Dems are pretty evenly split, with Obama getting the edge on the caucuses (which I think is beneficial to him somehow). Now we just have to wait and see what those crazy Californians have in mind.

9:17 PM
Looks like the trend is McCain winning in blue states, and, to a lesser degree, Clinton winning in red states. Obama and Huckabee are winning in the Deep South and Midwest, and Romney looks to have captured Utah quite handily, even with only 2% reporting. Delaware has still not relinquished those delegates to Obama. Are they not counting the victory there because one of his campaign operatives was on the payroll of a Dover car dealership without actually performing work? Or perhaps Joe Biden has finally snapped and is holding those 15 or 23 horrified delegates hostage in the Statehouse with a cask of nitro-glycerine, a dagger in his teeth, and a Jack Nicholson gleam in his eye.

10:01 PM
Is Mike DuBose running the Alabama Democratic Primary? Can someone please explain how with only 10% of the votes remaining to be counted and Obama with a 67,000 vote lead, it is still too close to be called? There have only been about 480,000 votes cast thus far, so even if Hillary swept the remaining 50,000 she would fall short. Yet they can predict Romney in Utah with only 4% reporting and a meager 8300 vote lead. Wait...how many people are there in Utah?

10:10 PM
Pep-talk timeout: Mike Huckabee is this season's Kansas Jayhawks. Great job, kid. You had moxie and you kept going about your business and winning when nobody was talking about you. Sure, your victories were cupcakes, but they served their purpose, didn't they? The others kept toppling, but in the end you're going to have to deal with the entrenched powers. And if not for the Chase Daniels and John McCains of the world you may have captured America's heart for one fleeting moment. Also there is that other hurdle of having to convince about half of America that you're not a bat-shit crazy stomach-stapling Evangelical preacher. But at least you didn't cheat. Hell, you couldn't afford to. Ever thought of taking up coaching? There's no pressure whatsoever to maintain a svelte public figure. Either way, its OK. Footpolitics still likes you because you're a little bit different. Now imagine me telling you all this with a spittle-laced lisp and a chalkboard with fake political strategy drawn upon it and be on your merry way.

















10:22 PM
Minnesota is trending Obama and Romney...interesting. I generally put a great deal of stock in what Minnesota thinks ever since they elected Jesse Ventura governor. Their college football prowess is not exactly overwhelming, so surely their political knowledge balances things out. This seems to be a sound theory except for one glaring example:




11:45 PM
The late surge in Missouri to put Obama over the top there still does not persuade Biden to relinquish his delegates, nor does Alabama relinquish theirs with 99% reporting and a 77,000 vote disparity. God Bless America. In the meantime, it appears that the folks in California are in love with Hillary, and so far she has 54% of the vote with 19% of precincts reporting. Does that mean anything? It is probably as meaningful as Auburn's rankings in late October and early November. 

12:02 AM
That Alabama thing still bothers me:




He won the vote by a solid 14%....shouldn't he get a greater proportion of the delegates?

6:50 AM
I hope the Huckabee folks don't think that the tornado was their fault. What a weird night...kind of like Mississippi State beating Auburn on the road without anyone really taking notice. Keep an eye out for any recruiting fiascos today in Georgia and Alabama.