Off-Season Comments: Part I

1. Hillary's Bosnia 1996 "Misspeak"
What?? Instead of blazing rockets showering down on you and sniper fire directed at you from the moment your aircraft crossed the border, causing you to scamper about in bullet-proof clothing to the nearest armored car, you really had an open-air press-conference at which an 8-year old girl read you a poem. Turns out the poem was nice, and in English, even though Hillary treats the memory of the girl rather shabbily in her retraction, at least the original story had a happy ending. Better watch out though...a few more embellishments of this nature could well earn the mortal enmity of the #1 surrogate in Republican politics: renowned weapons and covert ops enthusiast Chuck Norris.

Bottom line: she wants so badly to be an overachieving Appalachian State, but she just can't quite admit to herself that she's really Michigan: firmly entrenched, superior resources, and perpetually underwhelming. (Hillary and Lloyd both have two "L"s.) And her claims for partial responsibility for the peace in Northern Ireland (this 'peace' was news in and of itself) are straight out of the 2007 Notre Dame offensive playbook.

2. Pure ugliness: the Big XII North and the Democratic Primary
One quick look at the EDSBS Fulmer Cup scoreboard tells us that the wide-open nature of the North division of the Big XII Conference has led to a degree of viciousness rarely seen in those parts. Likewise with the wide-open race for the Democratic nomination. Every time Hillary rails against Obama's lack of experience, a Colorado tight end or linebacker punches a person and/or wall (or rams said person's head into wall...some combination thereof.) Every time Obama tries to discount attacks on his affiliation with a controversial clergyman, a brutish Nebraska offensive lineman sticks his hand up some girl's skirt at a nightclub in Lincoln of all places. Bill Clinton questions Obama's patriotism? No problem, Mizzou LB Marquise X. Booker will just pull a gun on his neighbors and threaten to light them up when they inquire about the status of the situation after several prolonged minutes of shouting between him and his five associates in the parking lot of his apartment complex. When Obama asks just exactly which Clinton he's running against, RB Jeremy Maclin summarily gets taken in for police questioning. The Fulmer Cup is great every year, but when you couple it with the dirtiest primary election in recent history the entertainment value increases exponentially. Keep up the fireworks, I say!

3. LSU and John McCain Can't Buy Credibility
Two-loss national champions? Nixon had more, and he seems to have made his mark in the end. McCain only has one failed run to his name, so things could be far worse. But it seems that failures have far less bearing in politics than in football. It is far easier to earn a nomination with a couple losses than to "earn" an MNC with as many. LSU made history (again, sort of...2003 not withstanding) in January, thanks in part to a colossal implosion by West Virginia, a lesser one by Missouri (that valiant bellwether state) and of course the completely scientifically Whimsicalian™ voting system employed by the coaches. McCain could very likely do the same: despite a quick start in 2000, Karl Rove eventually spread enough rumors to put him quietly out of business before the primary season got nearly interesting enough. And this year his campaign seemed on the verge of going broke about 6 months ago, and yet a couple weeks ago he was still trailing Mitt Romney in money raised weeks after Romney had dropped out. But money is not an immediate issue right now: what he doesn't have now and seems to need more than ever is his "conservative credentials." Die-hard Republicans, and especially the Christian Right, still don't believe he is worthy of their vote. To a lesser degree, many fans still don't believe that LSU is worthy of the MNC, with a certain amount of reason (a couple of triple-OT losses to respectable upstart teams with Heisman candidates seems much less a reason for doubt than pummeling your opponent into an insurmountable lead after a matter of weeks, but who are we to judge?) But what are the alternatives? Hillary? God forbid, they say. Obama? Maybe I just won't vote. A playoff system? Why, that's as crazy as a completely proportionate representative primary that includes all states with no superdelegates, and with the same rules for both parties. Watching Ron Paul debate John McCain at this point would be far more interesting than watching Hawaii play Georgia in the Sugar Bowl.

Liveblogging: The Game of the Century

Brent Musberger's got nothing on Footpolitics.

7:21 P.M.

That's right folks, Primary Tuesdays are back. And this one could be for all the marbles. The "Granddaddy of Them All" if you will. What? That one's taken? What about "The Lonestar Showdown"? No? OK, I've got it: how about simply "The Game"...what?!? Shit.



Enough of this nonsensical skullduggery. Musberger calling a key primary night with record turnout in the most interesting Presidential race in a generation would be like asking Ashlee Simpson to accompany the Berlin Orchestra while performing before an exclusive audience made up of Queen Elizabeth, Kofi Annon, Tom Osborne, David Letterman, Angelina Jolie, and Bob Dole: it simply would not do.

7:34 P.M.

As anyone with any dim association with this blog may well know (and there may be as many as 6 of you now), the opportunities for parallels between the epic 2005-2006 OSU/Texas games and this night where Ohio and Texas may well determine who is the next sentient being to lounge in the Oval Office, watching reruns of Snorks while eating Froot Loops from sterling silver bowls, are endless. So I will try not to let us down.



7:41 P.M.

Early returns indicate that Clinton has a strong lead in Ohio, while Obama has for all purposes already won Vermont and has opened a gol-damned impressive lead in Texas. McCain continues to sack away the smaller states, but The Huckster is making the Texas race respectable at least, trailing 56%-32% with 1% reporting.

"Genius (clap clap clap)... Voters (clap clap clap)"

8:02 P.M.

I think I know why Obama is trailing in Ohio:

Obama Girl flaunts the Blue & Maize

Surely a red and dull gray alternative version of the shirt could have been marketed to all the hot chicks in Ohio. Oh wait...

8:21 P.M.

Huck drops out. Alas, unlike Kansas, he could not convince the voters to overlook his inability to win the game that mattered: winning.

Mama and Daddy should still be proud.

Looks like McCain is on the fast track to coronation nomination. And yes, Jason, I've been saving that pic away for a rainy day.

8:40 P.M.

This could be a long night. Just like that September 2005 evening in Columbus, Ohio. Two of the most vaunted entities in the nation vied for supremacy, but combined for less than 50 points between them. They had an aggregate eight field goals, one safety, and just three touchdowns. There was that magical sense that anything could happen. (Including your TE dropping an easy TD.) And that sense pervades tonight also: Clinton has a 20-point lead in Ohio with 20% of precincts reporting, but they dare not call it yet.

CNN: Don't Worry! Ryan Hamby dropped the ball, too.

8:57 P.M.

An esteemed former colleague of mine who works for the State of Texas just pointed out to me that Obama was beating Hillary by a margin of 2:1 in Brazos County, perhaps one of the most entrenched citadels of conservative thought in America (depsite the fact that one of their Congressmen is a D). I may have to investigate this further.

9:21 P.M.

Unfortunately, further investigation was rendered impossible because the Texas SOS page runs roughly at the same speed as a snail traversing backward on a turtle's shell when the turtle is drifting in a sluggish marsh on the hottest summer day. But at least Texas Governor Rick Perry has time to write a fucking book about boy scouts and actively support it while in office as the most pertinent Presidential campaign of his life rages about him. Dude...Rick...Let it go. You're almost sixty years old, you're probably going to miraculously end up being the longest-serving governor in Texas History, and the feathering of your 'do has gone most noticeably awry. Please attempt to retain at least a shred of decency and call in the professional hairdressers, if not political advisers.

9:57 P.M.

Things are getting tight for Obama. CNN has already called Ohio in Clinton's favor, and Obama's lead in Texas has dwindled to 1%. Guess those "3 A.M." commercials by former Mondale guru Roy Spence really worked. Way to spend $30 million of your admirers' hard-earned dollars to strike fear into themselves. And if there's one thing we learned about that campaign, it surely must be that winning the primary is everything. What??? Mondale only carried one state out of fifty??


I guess hiring this guy as your advertising consultant seemed wise on some level unrecognizable to the average American.
P.S.--Minnesota has already leaned Obama. Why did you see fit to hire this guy again?