Top 10 Reasons to Vote for My Candidate

Yes, its that time of year again. We all must make that most crucial of decisions that will ultimately reveal who will be the face of America next year, and possibly for many years to come. I'm talking of course of the always-present debate over who should adorn the cover of EA Sports' NCAA Football. Now that they are releasing a Wii version this summer, they are letting us peons vote for our favorite mascot to adorn that platform's cover. Democracy inaction.

So, without further ado, allow me to reveal my ballot along with a persuasive list of reasons that will hopefully convince you to share my views.


That's right. I brazenly eschewed conventional wisdom and went with the dark horse...er, cat. Why? you may ask. You may indeed.

1. Serious lack of Big XII representation these last 10 years.
2. Razor-sharp bicuspids will deter crooked lobbyists.
3. Kansas native believes in Traditional Heartland Values such as heavy JuCo recruiting and wearing of number zero to promote "team."
4. Huge cat head with human arms and legs suggests a wisely frugal worldview.
5. Never, EVER forgets his Power Towel(TM).
6. Badass guitar player.
7. Campaign Manager Ron Prince crazy as a goddamn loon; also proficient special teams coach.
8. Unashamed to wear the color purple in front of up to 45,000 people.
   
9. Unlike previous Willies, is not at all "slick."
10. Rumored to possess keen senses of sight, smell, and hearing.

Oh, and I also voted in my state's presidential primary, which is actually relevant this year. And since the electronic voting machine lacked a keyboard, I could not type "Willie the Wildcat" into it or otherwise cast a write-in vote for him. Thus, I chose the candidate who I felt most resembled his most important qualities.

P.S.-- if any of you good folks at Diebold are reading this, please look into the keyboard thing. Or better yet, just make a special keypad displaying all FBS team logos for those who wish to write-in mascots. Thanks in advance!